Since I’ve been here (mid January?), every weekend I’ve just been craving so much human contact and connection. It doesn’t sound like much, but it’s incredibly uncharacteristic for me. And it’s not just a minor case of FOMO, but really craving human energy.
I don’t think it’s exclusive to the weekends. Over the week, I’m usually so busy that I just forget or neglect this. And because I’m here in the chaotic cage that is college, I’m always enclosed by people that I sometimes just fail to feel this. At the end of the day, I’m happy to be by myself – it’s respite.
But what about the end of the week? I want to be surrounded by people and the chaos they bring. Does that make me a bad introvert? I just want to be in the midst of people, places and things – seeking moments to catch a break and my breath.
And it sounds absolutely ridiculous to everyone, sometimes myself included. “Oh aren’t you glad to be alone?” I mean I am, but I don’t know if I want to be. I grew up in this hyper-extroverted house with primarily extroverted friends. And in this, I found a balance of giving time to others and giving time to myself: balancing the extroverted and introverted energies.
Because of this, over the course of my recent life, I’ve built this stamina for people-induced chaos and exhaustion. And somehow the intensity of each week day helps me reach this limit. I don’t actually do all that much, but just being around people is satisfactorily draining.
And that’s why the weekends become susceptible to cravings of human contact and connection. It’s not that I’m not around people enough (I mean, I may not be, I’m a bit of recluse on the weekends), but I’m also not around people in the way that my stamina is constructed. And so, over the weekends, I’m just left feeling so underwhelmed with the potential to be overwhelmed. It’s hard to fall asleep when you’re full of energy.
But really the worst part is that I’ve made a habit of complaining about this. Every Saturday night, I sit with a cup of tea on my desk and waste ink in this beautiful notebook whining about the same insipid whims. And I fear that it’ll soon transition to self-pity or something else equally morose. And those are shit mental-places to be in. I’ve worked too hard on myself to drown in self-pity.
“Oh look at my self-induced loneliness, my brain perpetually whining every saturday night. imagine if you’re life was different and you had what you wanted. but what’s the point of imagining: it’s not true. sucks to be you.” And other inane things I’ll say to myself.
Hey at least self-pity would redeem me as an introvert.
But I genuinely have to find a way out of this. There’s nothing inherently wrong with staying in on a Saturday night with a movie. But I can’t condone this habit of feeling bad for myself and being unhappy with myself and my life. Saturday nights have to stop being “whining nights”.
I legitimately have to find a better place to be in mentally. Craving human contact and connection is a completely normal and human thing to do. If this is how I feel, I should act on it healthily. I may not immediately fulfil my desire for chaos, or ever given how sociable I can be.
But I need to be more positive and kinder to myself. Wanting to be with people doesn’t make me a bad introvert, it makes me human. It’s a good thing, it means my brain isn’t craving isolation Wanting . Of course, craving chaos isn’t a particularly wise mindset to have either, but it’s something – it’s in the direction of people.
I don’t want to correlate this with my growing out of my introversion as someone might suggest. Rather just me realising that I took the human contact and connection at home for granted, and didn’t realise how much it warmed and held me. Here, being alone is tough, and seeking contact and connection is a good time.
cover image: https://weheartit.com/entry/340307935?context_page=2&context_query=girl+alone&context_type=search