I think of this as a kind of spin-off to something (terribly cingey as I read back in hindsight) I wrote a little over a year ago. Then, I was in a new place far away from home, all alone – with no one to talk to or sit with me and unable to communicate with anyone I knew. And needless to say, I was very sad. I was not happy at all; I would spend my time on the internet doing things that served no greater value – just to occupy time and prevent myself from thinking about my current state.
A month and a couple of years later, I find myself in a similar situation – college. It’s not the same, but the overall skeleton of the situation is the same: displacement and desolation. But I say spin-off and not sequel, but I believe myself to be a newer person: changed and more prepared.
Of course, I’m being very kind to myself by saying that I am more prepared. I most definitely am not. I’ve run televisions shows like a fired bullet. I’ve scrolled more miles on social media than walked in a month. And it’s all the fill this open void caused by the absence of … friends?
It sounds so childish and petty, at first. And counterintuitive. But it’s true, I feel so upset and lonely that I’m letting myself be absorbed in things to prevent dealing with the whole situation. And this worked the first time. I don’t feel bad about the fact that I did this back then. It was only two weeks and the pressure of everything else was enough. But this time?
College is four years long. Of course, I know, everyone says I’ll make friends in due course of time, but what about till then? Do I just struggle?
And it’s not that I’ve not made friends, I have. But they’re not friendships. And ironically, despite being an introvert, I’ve really how important and critical my friendships from back home were, how much I relied on them.
And this entire experience has also made me think about the entire concept of friends and friendship so much. It’s incredible how the company of other human beings makes us feel. How we crave and despise it. How it defines the people we are.
And the other thing with friendships in college is that you have full agency over who you’re friends with. It’s not like school where walls and norms shape things for you. Here, it’s up to you. Of course external factors play a role, but so much of the whole thing is in your hands – which is really scary. It’s so much power and weight.
The pressure of this combined with mild versions of loneliness? Not fun or exciting at all.
I, as a person, like to have all kinds of friends. Extroverted, introverted, fun and boring. As an introvert, it’s easier to talk to the other introverts in the room, but the extroverts and other similar species of people? How will I ever make those kinds of friends? School just automatically enabled this for me, but in college, having to do this on my own is absolutely terrifying.
In short: I’m lonely and scared. Making friends is incredibly scary, but I really want to. I need that sense of belonging, security comfort. The freedom to do things you want and like not alone. There’s no feeling like being in a group of people. I hope to find that soon.
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