A few weeks ago, I got rejected from a college in New York City. And I know it doesn’t sound like such a big deal, but the truth is that this school was my first choice and I was really obsessed and hung up on it.
College/University as a concept is the thing that’s keeping me going in these last few months of school. I have to submit all my assignments and study for my final board exams. And it’s all a lot of work. And it’s really stressful and exhausting. Emotionally and physically, it’s taking a huge toll on me, but what’s keeping me going is the prospect of college/university and a fresh new life.
And being the absolute dreamer that I am, as a coping mechanism, I would imagine by life at this school. How I would like, eat, talk, dress and live here in this university and in this city. Initially, it was harmless and a little exciting. But eventually, as school got more stressful, it began carving this as my escape.
And this as an escape was particularly significant for me because lately I haven’t had the time to read, write or watch stuff. And so, I was forced to escape in an alternate future, as opposed to a fantastical fictional one. And as one might expect, this really messed with my head.
Eventually, I had mentally accepted that I would be going to this school, in this city. And this would be my life.
Something that drew me to the university was how integrated it was with New York City, and so in my head, I wasn’t just going to this university, but I was coming to New York City. This incredible city that seemed just perfect for me.
But then, as you may expect, I got rejected. Fun, right?
I could handle it though. I’ve always been strong and resilient, and so I could handle it. I continued living my life and had accepted this as a phenomenon. I processed it, and found the strength to move on.
But that’s the catch. I could accept my rejection from the university, but I didn’t know how I stood with the city. Because in my head, the city and the university were a singular unit. And so, I didn’t know if I felt as if the city rejected me. This wonderful life that I had pictured for myself in this unbelievable city would just remain a fantasy.
The point is that I processed my rejection from the university, but didn’t really figure out how I felt about the city. And the truth is that I didn’t realise that this was an issue, until I was watching something and which was set in NYC. The setting wasn’t as crucial to the show, but was brought up often. And every time, the city was the focus, a strange feeling would emerge in my stomach. Sadness, regret and longing. Lost hope and broken glass.
And so I’m writing this now because I want to separate the university and the city as two separate entities. I don’t want to feel estranged from the city. I still want to love and be fascinated by the city. I still want to visit and discover this city. I don’t want to feel hollow every time I see its name, or hear about it.
Combining the two into one is my doing, and only I can fix this sensation. And so, currently I’m searching for a way to separate the two.
I hope my search proves to be fruitful, soon.
Edit: Spring 2020 (pre-covid), I visited New York City and all was well.
Love and kindness always,
Lost in the Great Escape.
Image from: https://weheartit.com/entry/327911362