Ambition

I don’t think I’m a very ambitious person. Which is weird. Because I’m very competitive. And generally the two work together. But with me, I don’t know: it’s really fucking weird.

And it’s worse because I’m at a very stressful period in my life. My academic and co-curricular performance is crucial. Beyond crucial cause my grades suck. And I really have to get better and do better. But you know the motivation that comes with ambition? I just don’t get it a lot. But at the same time, if someone does worse or better than me – it makes me feel a lot of things. I get uncomfortable and angsty. Of course, I don’t express this to the other person, but it happens and it really confuses me.

And it’s even weirder because I instinctively and intuitively know that I’m a Slytherin. And of course iI’m not basing on a vague construct from a book. But it’s something I think about a lot. Things like Hogwarts Houses or character quizzes are sometimes ways in which we explore or examine our identity. Fictional constructs like these are super important to us. But this is all for a different post.

My point is that if I’m a Slytherin – where is the ambition factor? Does it manifest? And how does it manifest? Because I do have A LOT of Slytherin tendencies and so I wouldn’t naturally be surprised if I behave or think in an ambitious way. But truthfully, most of the time, I just don’t.

Like, big dreams and things just don’t come to me. Like they don’t. Like I never want to be super rich or famous or other ‘big’ things, you know? And it’s not like I don’t have dreams, goals or aspirations. But at the same time, it is like I don’t have dreams, goals or aspirations.

It doesn’t make a lot of sense, I realise. But me penning this all down is a way of me sort of understanding what this is. Like I don’t want to be number 1, but I don’t want to be average either. But at the same time, I want to be the smartest or the most talented person in the room. I don’t get it.

And it’s even weirder because our (Indian) society wants us to be the best. Like it may not even matter what you’re the best at – but you have to be the best at it. Second place is for losers. And somehow this is seeped into my brain in broken pieces because clearly I don’t understand and implement this system holistically.

And so whenever I reflect on myself and my relationship with this concept of ambition, I always think about Slytherin house because it is a way of making sense of all this. But even that confuses me sometimes because Slytherin house isn’t as one dimensional as I’m making it seem here. It’s more than that. It’s all more than that.

Basically, in summary: I’m not sure if I want to be the best, but I still want to be better than everyone.

Did this make sense to you? Great! Now explain it to me because I, sure as hell, did not.

Thank you.

lostinthegreatescape.

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