Socialising

I’ll be honest: I’m not a social person. I’m just not.

It’s not that I don’t have friends, or don’t enjoy having any. I absolutely love and adore my friends – they are some of the most amazing people I’ve met. But socialising is just something I cannot do.

I don’t know if it’s a talent or a skill, but I was not born with it and neither have I been able to successfully acquire it. And I don’t really know what to do about it. Because even if I had this skill or talent, what really is the problem is that during the 17 years of my life – I’ve developed a complete disregard for the act of socialising. It’s just not important to me anymore.

Which is kind of a problem because the world around us is constructed in a way that we must constantly be on our feet and be with people. Otherwise we’ll just get left behind and be forgotten. Which obviously no one wants.

And additionally, the voice of my parents always lingers in my head – forcing me to socialise. And then later when I don’t, fills me with regret for not doing so.

Now picture this:

I’m in a country half-way across from where I am originally. I’m in a brand new environment – all alone for two week. The colour of my skin and the accent laced in my voice do not match those around me. A time difference of 10 hours separates me from the world of people I know and understand. In summary, I’m very alone.

But the amazing thing about being alone and unknown is that it’s a fresh start for me. I’m on my own. I can be myself or a whole new person – no one would know. I have this gift that would enable me to socialise so fearlessly and freely. Except, I don’t want to. I have no desire to.

I feel this uncomfortable guilt that I must socialise. I must make the most of this experience by meeting and interacting with new people. But I don’t know.

Part of this, I believe, stems from a fear of being rejected and unwanted and so brutally judged. And another part of this comes from my absolute disinterest for the act. And I know it’s all in my mind and I’m overthinking a lot of it.

And I don’t inherently feel bad for not socialising. Not everyone in the world was made to be friends with me and I was not made to be friends with everyone in the world. My own brain doesn’t generate this regret for not socialising. It’s the voice in my head that resembles my parents.

“Put yourself out there.” or “Make the most of this opportunity.”

And even if I force myself, it feels wrong. I’m not being myself. If I want to develop a friendship, it should be with the real me – not the version my parents want. Besides, forcing myself to be friendly or make friends would blatantly come under the category of just trying too hard, which is a form of behaviour I find repulsive.

And if you’ve made it till this sentence, I’m pretty surprised because this are just raw words typed out at a really fast speed I mean my fingers are kind of hurting haha not really what is punctuation i don’t know.

I just really don’t know how to battle this. I struggle with this every time I’m out or travelling or experiencing something new.

And it’s not like I don’t try, you know? I do. And it’s so hard. And I just want to run back to my house 8051 miles away. (yes I googled it)

It’s just very hard for me and I don’t know what to do anymore.

Thanking for tolerating me.

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yeah, this was just me typing out loud (haha) to be honest. I’m not going to proof read this or anything. cause if I do, I’ll just back space the entire thing, I don’t really trust myself.

if this is something you feel as well, like or comment or something. it’s nice to know that sometimes you aren’t the only person feeling something.

love and kindness,

lostinthegreatescape