// 😦 //
Note: This is personal. Don’t be an asshole about it.
I am someone with a low self esteem and with little confidence. It’s not pretty, but it’s true.
And basic psychology tells you that a person like that seeks validation and an identity from the ones around them. And I do this with my parents. I have an identity of my own, and a strong one that I’m proud of art that, but truthfully I rely a lot of the words of others to support myself. And the others in the context of myself, unfortunately, are my parents.
Which is great, but also sucks.
Primarily because my parents and I are very very different people, and our brains are just wired and programmed differently.
And so sometimes when we’re talking, or in certain situations, they say or do things that really invalidate how I think, believe and feel – and this really breaks my heart.
It really does.
As an artist, my greatest strength is my power to feel and think and express, and if this core attribute is diminished, then … then I don’t even know what to say to/at this really.
It’s really heart-breaking and soul-punching, because here are the two people in your life you trust the most (more than yourself of course), and here they are walking all over your heart and mind.
And in the process of invalidating the way I think/feel/believe/breathe, they also implicitly convey a sort of expectation or preference, and the problem is that this expectation or preference is not who I am. I may have a feather of a self-esteem, but I have mountains of strength, respect and love for myself. And I could never compromise on the way I am, on the person I am.
And I know I shouldn’t get affected so deeply with the way they function and sounds a but pretentious I guess, but the point is that it makes me feel really really bad. And I understand I shouldn’t take things to heart so easily but I’m a teenage kid living in India – I’m genetically designed to. And in this whole process I only feel worse about myself.
And it’s just not an overall really nice thing to feel, you know?