Something I’ve always known about myself is the fact that I’m really really competitive. And I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember.
If you meet me, this is not the first thought you’ll have, it’s not the impression I’ll create. In fact, it’ll probably be the last thing you could probably think of. But it’s there. It’s in my head, and it’s always making it’s way into every thought I have.
My head has a tendency where it literally compares everyone to everything in relation to me. Of course some bit of that is part of human cognitive processes, but I feel like it’s really extreme with me.
As in, if you’re into something or do something that I feel I can as well, I’m either going to get super intimidated by you, or reassured. Both of which are terrible outcomes. Because me seeing everything is really not healthy – for either one of us. I’m not going to consciously bring you down, or even subconsciously, as far as I know. But I’ll probably mentally kill myself over this.
And the other problem is that I never really appreciate the other person in front of me because of this. If I find myself to be better, I’m likely to not take you that seriously in the context of what I’m better at. And if I’m not as good as the other person is, I’m going to be blinded by my rage or annoyance instead of appreciating their art/effort/quality and learning from it.
If I see you do something great, I’m either going to instantly hate you or stop caring so much about you and what you’re doing because it probably comes under the list of things I can’t do. And if this particular task fall within my area of expertise, I’m going to ask myself in the most brutal manner why I’m not doing the same thing as well.
And this doesn’t happen often, but I sometimes found this competition interfering with the relationships that I have with people, because I’m constantly quantising and comparing somewhere at the back of my head, and if I get daunted, we’ll probably not have the same relationship as we once did. And it’s going to be a constant conflict in my head. And it’s terrible. It really is.
And then I realised at some point: this isn’t exactly competition. I mean it is, but it doesn’t originate from the place where competition should ideally come from. This comes from a place of insecurity and a feeling of inadequacy and not being good enough. Essentially, not having confidence in my own abilities and choices.
Which kind of sucks.
And so if you know how to combat this, let me know. Because this only affects me and my growth as an artist and as a person, not the guy that I’m comparing myself to.
yeah, thanks, bye