A Realisation

A realisation that I had when I was sitting in a classroom full of people with nothing to do.

During my IGCSE years (9th and 10th grades), I spent most of my time in school reading. It was just what I did. Not because I didn’t have any friends and not because I need a constant escape from school (okay no maybe that too). But primarily because it was what I wanted to do.

And people respected that. My friends understood my choices and accepted it.

I spent so much of my time buried in books that it became a part of my identity. If you saw a head behind a book during a break or between classes, you’d know it was [insert any name because privacy and anonymity] . And I loved it – being recognised by something you loved doing endlessly.

And it makes me so sad because in the four months since IBDP has begun, I haven’t brought a single book to school. When only 9 months ago, I used to carry three books to school incase if I finished one and then the other. This fact blew my mind.

What had changed? I mean, of course, I,  as a person, changed so much during summer break, but that didn’t affect my want to read. And I get that IBDP is super rigorous and there’s tonnes of work to do, but I still have breaks between classes. And so I began wondering what I do in my breaks which is time I could conveniently use for reading.

The conclusion: I fucking socialise.  [insert face palm emoji]

Yes, the quiet, introverted (actually ambi, but let’s not go there now) shy girl now spends her time developing new friendships. Which isn’t a bad thing. At all really. It’s a great personal achievement for me to be able to go up to people and talk to them. But then I look at the cost of this: losing out on time that I could spend reading.

I sacrificed a part of my identity in order to battle a personal demon.

Which is great and amazing and just something I should be insanely proud of. And while I am, I’m also sad. Because a part of my identity, something that brings me infinite joy, something that adds colour and sound to my life is being lost in the process.

And so I took these thoughts home to my parents and discussed this with them.

The realisation didn’t strike them or surprise them as much, naturally of course I don’t blame them. But the fact of my love for reading being lost didn’t bother them as much. Which kind of bothered me. It wasn’t directed to them, but rather the world as a whole.

It really made my mind wonder why extrovertism is so celebrated and why introvertism is so discouraged. I don’t get it.

And I get that in my year 11, everyone is new and I have to form new friendships and relationships with the people around me. But I did that in IG too, successfully at that. During my IG years, I made some of the best friends of my life.

And so why can’t I do the same now with a book in my hand at the same time?

_____

Okay hi so this is the first time i’ve kind of opened up a bit on this blog and i probably will do so more often

i’m not going to ask you to like/comment/share, not because i already expect you to, but because these are the contents of my head, and it’s really not going to validate my thoughts or alter them

don’t take that ^ the wrong way though – all comments and feedback is always appreciated

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